If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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