Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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