When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
