i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
