The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
