Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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