i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
