I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
