Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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