ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
