i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
