Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
