ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
