just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
