Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize