Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
