morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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