Even the bartender felt bad for me
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
