And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
