A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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