Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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