my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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