i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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