Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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