I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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