I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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