Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
