When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize