Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just cut my nipple shaving
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
