im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
