before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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