just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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