I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
