Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Barsexuality is the new black.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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