just come out here and I will go home with you...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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