We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
