just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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