Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
