I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
