i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
