That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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