Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
