new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
