You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
