The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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