While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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