Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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