What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
