So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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