i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
someone owes me an orgasm
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
