Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
