I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize