the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
