This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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