U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
