Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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