I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
