We're like a lot better than the average bears
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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