I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
barbara walters just said penis...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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