god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
