I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Welp...herpes.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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