How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
