did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
