there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
