Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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