Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
