did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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