I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize