Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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