I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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